First Appointment…. Time to count the beans!

First sonogram. We are told this will determine if we get one screaming child or multiples. We are excited. We are prepared or so we think. Let’s start the show.

Room goes dark. I am instructed to “Go to my spot.” I stand there and literally say nothing for the next 15 minutes. For people who know me this is at least one of the signs of the apocalypse (get thee to confession immediately). I just listen and look at my wife. I only count one bean. No twins or multiples.

It is awe inspiring. A tiny little bean WITH a very noticeable heartbeat is on the TV. It is a strange feeling. I can’t help wondering is it a boy or girl, will it grow up to graduate college, will it hate the University of Georgia the same way I do?

It is a moment in life. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. For the first time I felt like something was waaaaay more important than me. There it was and it was great. I’m not a sentimental guy, but that moment kind of consumes you.

The rest of the appointment was a blur. We are told about testing options for birth defects, but to me my little bean is perfect already.

Not all posts are funny. Sometimes there is no joke. Sometimes there is just a moment. A moment you chose to remember.

My God has an amazing sense of humor!

Babe… hey babe there is a stripper on the front lawn. Hey Babe.. Come here, look. Babe. Where are you.. OH MY GOD. It is you!

Some people just understood what I was saying and others will need an explanation, which I am happy to give. Pregnant women get big boobs. It happens shortly after they become pregnant. I was amazed to see my wife’s new “friends.” I am happy to see them.

This is the part in the movie when God sits back in his lounge chair, and starts laughing at the people on stage. Those people on stage are me and my wife. God gives her something so completely tempting, and then makes them painful to the touch. Well played God, great joke.

Seriously! They come home with stripper sized fun, and then someone makes them feel like they are about to explode. Look but do not touch. It is one of life’s unique twists.

I have come to realize (or hope) that this will not last forever. For now, this bit of awesome is just viewed as the preparing of a food source for the little one. I’m already making sacrifices for this little guy or girl. Hope they appreciate it!

So what can she do that won’t kill the baby?

Consultation day!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are excited we get there early and everything. Fill out 27 forms of varying colors and sizes. Put things so embarrassing in print you wouldn’t even know yourself when you are done. Forget to find the prescription card. Yep it’s time to visit a doctor and we are ready to rock and roll.

My wife has a bag full of creams, vitamins, books, and a list of things she needs explained. Folic acid seems to be top on her list. I don’t know what it is but she needs it like a crack addict needs a hit.

The doctor comes in and he asks us how long we have been trying. I said, oh were not trying doc we’ve succeeded. He then says great so do we have any questions. We say do we need to take a more formal test. He says not if you took an over the counter test. We say we have. He says then your pregnant (which still annoys us).

He then tells us what to expect over the course of the next few weeks. My wife might puke like the exorcist. She might experience enlarged breasts that are very tender (check, we already covered that). She might, at some point ask you for a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich at 4:30am and you better get it (hasn’t happened yet, but his face was SERIOUS when he said this).

Apparently she does need folic acid and should stop using every cream or vitamin she currently possesses. Additionally, she can’t eat sandwich meat, hot dogs, unwashed fruit, alcohol, unpasteurized milk, cheese, caffeine, or breathe air in a funny way. Seriously you start to wonder what won’t kill an unborn child

Side Note: This has been going on since the dawn of mankind. I’m sure a caveman ate a wooly mammoth sub sandwich. If all this is true how does the human race even exist today. For the love of god, what harm could come from unwashed fruit???

We leave scared but informed. Everything will be fine as long as she eats nothing that has taste, and does nothing fun for nine months.

This is going to be interesting.

Indiana Hormones: The Quest for the Golden Doctor

The next day my wife heeded my warning, “YOU better get a doctor and an appointment SOON.” Drama was to ensue.
At this time, we had no idea what that meant. We had a pretty good idea that we needed to get a pregnancy test done by a doctor. WE WERE WRONG. We called and the nice lady on the other end of the phone said, “Did you get and over the counter test.” My wife says, “Yes and both were positive.” The lady says, “Congratulations you are pregnant.”

Side Note: Here we go again; apparently CVS is now THE definitive pregnancy yes or no indicator in all of the land. Doctors have surpassed the point of lazy. Now they just ask you what your test said and agree with it. For all they know my wife could have chewed on the test and gotten a plus to come up. This baffles me. But then they hit us with a twist…..

Ok well your probably 4 or 5 weeks so we can make an appointment for you in three weeks. WHAT? My wife has a very pained sound in her throat. I don’t know what to think. My mind is racing as I think for three weeks the only confirmation I get is a $13 test strip. I just want a professional (or an old man with a cane) to tell me she is pregnant.

Ericka has called three doctors and each of them have not told her what she wanted to hear. She is angry. She is full of new hormones (duck out of the way world!). She is getting more desperate for someone to tell us for certain we have a kid on the way.

My wife actually is beyond the point of talking to the doctor so I step up to help out. I say look I know the first one you called you didn’t like so let’s call a different one. We do they tell us the same story. They do agree to let us visit on a consultation (with an actual real life doctor or so we think. It could be an actor they hire to deal with information freaks like us.).

We can meet the following Tuesday EXCELLENT.

Plus Sign ... REALLY!

It had been 3.5 weeks since we left the "Practicing" phase and entered the "Trying" to get pregnant phase. I mean after all we had been practicing for a while. Some day you have to go play an actual game. Well I'm informed that we might have a game over as soon as it started. We crushed the competition. I half heartedly say whatever then lets get a test kit.

Side note: MEN SHUT UP! Don't look at these and act like you know what the h#ll goes on with them. I thought one that said pregnant vs not pregnant was the way to go. Wife had other thoughts and this lead to the CVS standoff get what you think I should have face. I'll spare you the drama, I'm wrong she's rigt blah blah stupid man.

We get home and rush to take the test.. Wait plus before we even look at it... Honey you must have done something wrong. It is already positive. That just can't be. It took less time to tell me I have a kid on the way then it takes me to find football on TV. That is too fast by anyones calculation.

OK try it again. EVERYONE does this exact same process. Not one soul, whether they were expecting it or not, just trusts one $13 stick meant to be used as a tolietry item. NO ONE. That is ok. I thought ahead. I bought a pack of TWO (no I was not at Costco). PLUS sign comes up within 20 seconds of the second try.

It is exciting and so anti-climatic. In the movies some wise man (preferrably with a cane) walks up and says in old english, "She is with child." Where is my know it all sage wizard. Instead me and my wife look at each other and are excited, but woefully unprepared. We need to call our doctor. We need to actually GET a doctor. We need to find the insurance cards. We realize a lot of things we thought were important (sniff sniff, Rockband) are not really that important anymore.

We are incredibly excited. That was easy. We must find a doctor first......